I was thinking about changing doctors but I dont want to start over. This is my family doctor that I am referring to. I don't have a pdoc anymore and I really dont want one.
I am going to continue with him for now because of the lump in my breast.
I am also going to go see him tomorrow with my t. I mean really, how many doctors give you his cell phone number. I spoke with him tonight and he said he is looking forward to speaking with me and my t. So I will see what happens with it all. She takes what I say seriously and she knows I am in trouble. I tell her exactally what is on my mind. I promised her I would be fully honest even if it were to ever mean getting myself committed.
I know she is concerned and I do know my doc is too. He is so frustrated but I think its just that he does not understand this. But my medical health is in danger so I do feel he needs to put his views and negativity aside and do whats right.
If they commit me then I guess its what needs to be done.
I mean really, I can't help myself so I think by forcing me somewhere safe may be the only way. I dont want my choices to be taken away but I am killing myself. Its no different then me taking a gun to myself and ending it that way. Right?? What does it change if you slowly end your life or do it quickly? Its the same damn thing. I am suicidal. I admit it. And I am not sure if I want help or not. I must or I would not be here right. I am just so confused. I don't want to leave my babies, I love them so dearly.
My eating disorder t said when I speak of my kids its with such love and caring. I said yes, I would give them the world if I could. But it doesnt make mommy any healthier. I have always been a fighter and have over come so much, so why stop now.
The problem is that this is an addiction, I can't imagine my life without it. I am scared to get to know the real person inside. I was knew her and thought she was great, but will I still be someone who I like. I know how lucky I am to have the people in my life. My life could be so much harder, it could be a life that others struggle from birth to the ending. I have had many good times and I want to be here to watch and participate in my kids lives. I am sick of being sick. But I NEED HELP, THE PROPER HELP. The kind that is not judgmental, the commpassionate kind. Where the hell is it cause I am tired. And the longer it takes to find this, the closer I am to death. I am dying, by my own hand. Where is the help that I seek so desperately.
I will find it, and I hope it won't be too late. My entire body hurts. This pain is unreal. I am wrecking my own darn body. It could be well, if I let it. I could be free from this grip, just think, an illness thats not part of me anymore. How wonderful is that thought. Its so far away though. I feel sad.

Justy