There's this conflict or contradiction in us of wanting contact but being unable to fully commit. I've talked to lenghts about it with my T and he just doesn't get me saying I don't make any sense and it's my own decision to not have relationships, because other people have invited me to social events before.

So you desperately want a friend because you've probably been living isolated for some time. Then they suddenly invade your comfort zone and you panic. For me that's usually when they want to meet in real life, or even talk instead of type.

You're probably afraid of showing her you true self, feeling vulnerable. Maybe you put up a facade to make a good impression. But you're screwed if she ever sees your shortcomings.

If you truly care for her, then your fear of losing her might be amplified greatly. You know that the only way is to tell her about all your fears and hope she accepts it. We're not exactly known to take risks like that... but trust me that it could possibly lead to the deepest friendship you've ever had and make you feel great.

I wish you the best of luck if you decide to do that!