Thanks all for sharing these experiences.

For me I was exploring dark, confusing emotions that I didn't understand, so the early parts of the process was just about looking at things. through this process memories and pain came to the surface, and I kept thinking about a couple of key moments in my childhood that had all this energy and hurt as well as confusion around them. I would never have classified them as CSA.

However I could see they were difficult, painful memories and had committed myself to being open with my T and trying to trust the process, so slowly I started writing them down and then trying to think about how I would broach the topic with my T. For some of these memories it took weeks of actively trying to start to talk before I could say anything. I realised early on, and I think my T helped me with this, that simply saying I had something difficult to say, helped. Talking about my fears and feelings about talking, made it easier. Centred me, connected us.

With the most difficult memory, my T was always very steady, patient, calm, she maintained eye contact and I could barely get a sentence out. I was describing my age and the context in which things happened but couldn't get the next part out. She just started asking simple questions like I'd say..."It was around this time that...." and she'd quielty after a time that felt like forever say "that things happened?" and I nodded.

It was so helpful for her to kind of bridge that gap, and for me to be able to just nod and for us to be sitting there together. Like so many of you, I really don't remember what happened afterwards, or in the next few sessions. I used to journal a lot after sessions to try and remember and I'm glad I did. Generally I've found my T very compassionate, quiet, giving me lots of space, affirming of me sharing. After time we start to look at how I feel about those experiences and she always points to things that are reassuring, countering my sense of shame and blame.

It's good. It's complex work and I am still in it, but she's been pretty great I have to say. She is the only person in the world who knows, other than those who were there with me. Got to give her credit for creating an environment in which I could talk about it.