I DON`T WANT TO BECOME A SINGER SONGWRITER.

I DON`T WANT TO RECIEVE COMPLIMENTS FROM TEACHERS IN COLLEGE.

I DON`T WANT TO BECOME A WRITER OR A DANCER OR A PSHYCHOLOGIST.

Why do i feel so happy when i think of it?
that`s what i was telling myself as i went to the store and on my way i thoguht
"i am just another human being on this earth. one of a million. "

i always thought of how i could be more successful....and to have a proof for my tallents...and the proof that i am WORTHY (ho where is it? where is it? pain pain pain. am i worthy? or maybe i am not? the darkes hole.....)

but we are BORN worthy.....the success thing is very relative but what theh heck does it REALLY matter?
what do you call a good life? who is the person who has everything?
YOU CAN`T MAKE LIFE MORE THAN IT ALREADY IS!
not by being successful, not by achieving anything. all those things i wanted made me turn away form the REAL life...from appriciating this moment right now, which fills me with anergy, freedom..gives me a good mood.
there is something fresh and innocent like back then, when i was a child. NO WORRIES. no reason to cry.

i remember it from Soil the song "Let Go":

Did you think you`d be alone
Did your life turn out the way you wanted.."

and we all say sometimes: "life doesn`t go my way". so all we think about is "doesn it go MY way?
what if we change the questions and turn it "upside down":
DO I GO IT`S WAY? do go the way life goes? or i resisnt, fight, addicted to searching/ achieving something that i am sure will make me happy (but it actually won`t) feeling a victom and making it all worse when i pity myself?

i can almost always relate to this song "Open Up" by Kron:

"Open up now let it all go
I`m quite certain say it ain`t so
You`re corrupted by some sick %#@&#!
Ho no
Open up now head in the sky
Pierse the tongue that keeps telling lies
Feeling in my mouth
You breath in but can`t breath out"

every time i come to some understanding...is most of the time that i was "corrupted by some sick %#@&#!".
and now that "sick %#@&#!" is all those thing i want to "become" and ambitions and thing i though would make me happy. they won`t.

being free, simple and normal, not letting all that stress really make my life worse brobably will!