I hate vulnerability! It's such a two-faced asshole!There's not a real chance at feeling love without it, but it's so hard for me to be vulnerable. If I even anticipate there may be pain involved my mind finds a way to pick the person apart, maybe even create a crisis in the relationship to try to make the other person leave. Then, if they do, I justify that with my self hatred and suspicion that they were eventually going to leave anyway. If they stay, which is rare, I always question why they would do so. My bf says he's always proving his love to me and I always refuse to believe it's sincere or I say I believe him but I'm still expecting the other shoe to fall, so to speak.

He's just gotten to the point where he accepts that that is who I am right now, that I'm working on it, but there will always be a fundamental part of me that will always react this way. He gets frustrated, of course, but he also gets something out of it or he wouldn't stay. He says that I'm also the most understanding, and simultaneously most ****ed up woman he knows. He usually doesn't demean me but he says " you're the sexiest crazy ***** I know." It's hard to explain but it's a term of endearment, really. I also call him my *****, so it's a mutual thing. We're also best friends, even though this post may make it sound otherwise. We've actually been together 9 years as of Oct. 1st.