I was always a pretty detached person but I was also able to enjoy some fun with some friends as a kid and as a teenager. I had some superficial crushes on guys as well. Well, really superficial short lasting stuff but it was at least there. At age 18 all that somehow changed. I felt so disconnected from the world and people, I did not even want to see people anymore because my energy would just mysteriously get drained if around them. And the feeling of being disconnected was crap too, it was almost tangible. Also felt empty inside, no emotions anymore. Forget about being interested in guys too..

What was going on around that time, I went to a new high school, after running away from the previous one due to having enough of really bad conflicts. The people were initially nice welcoming in the new school but then just not much happened. I did not feel involved in anything even though I did befriend two girls. I did feel involved in the previous high school, I was sort of friends with a couple girls and had some other interactions, I did have many conflicts but it also allowed me to feel involved, lol.

At the same time I started the new high school, I tried two romantic relationships, my first two attempts, short lived. I'll go into details on that, I had some crush for the first guy but pretty weak, it was not constant... I did like his physical looks which helped but I was also anxious about the whole kissing and love thing. Then it didn't help that he soon stopped seeing me, I remember I didn't even understand that as he was not direct enough in telling me that.. I however remember I was still normal in an emotional sense, e.g. I felt some visceral resentment afterwards, well, until I recognized its source because then it no longer made sense to have the resentment and I shut it down.

The second guy, I no longer felt normal with him, I had strong initial interest but I couldn't connect with him, instead I just started feeling disconnected around him. Just like with other people at the same time. Same period of a couple months in the same year (it was October-November). I was still anxious about the kissing and the whole love thing. Nothing he did alleviated that, he didn't do much tbh or it didn't affect me at least. We ended the relationship early January next year.

Don't know if this has anything to do with all of this, but around the same time, I was also starting to delve into some theoretical topics that got me interested and started learning a new language too that really took my attention. I was analysing things I did not analyse before. Even my usage of my own native language changed, I became more analytical and theoretical overall.

OK so I was really disconnected from everything around me along with that intolerable energy drain and I could not go on like that anymore. As a temporary solution, from the end of that January I stayed home for half a year from the last year of high school. Then I went on to study at college/university (up to MA), I avoided visiting the courses as much as I could, I felt so terrible even just walking around in the corridors of the university building.

The terrible disconnect and energy drain stuff somehow resolved itself over time by my just staying at home all the time. (I never worked at a workplace, just did remote work.) Well and maybe also because I met many people due to a little business I was doing on the side in my twenties. At least I noticed such frequent contact with many different people (one on one) made me feel more comfortable around them.

Other than that, I still feel very different from my old pre-18 self, I spent so many years in isolation. Recently I decided I should try developing friendships IRL. I then found myself overly emotionally involved in a way I found hard to regulate. I'm getting better at that, I think... it's just such a hard pain in the ***.

I still don't feel like I am good at connecting with anyone. I feel like I've completely forgotten how things were when they were more normal, what sort of actions I should do as normal people do it, etc. Though I find that with certain people I'm more comfortable, people who make a situation clear enough in terms of how they accept me, are fine with the way I express myself and are able to make me have some fun for real.

As for romantic relationships, I still dread the thought of making intentional attempts at finding someone. I've tried a couple long term relationships where I could hardly experience any connection unfortunately. With the first person I was just anxious about how it should be good, how I should feel some emotions, feel in love and failing and feeling like I was missing something overall. With the second person, I was able to feel some warm bond at times but not much beyond that.

After those two relationships failed, I also had a month long relationship where for some reason shiit really got stirred inside me, I would feel stuff I never felt before, though it was not love, it was just some strong emotions. It didn't make sense, tbh... I didn't feel anything for the guy himself though and when I just could not see it going anywhere, I dumped him.

That shiit is still stirred though, lol. Since I met that guy, I got some periods where I got some really dysregulated emotionality, positive, negative alike, I think I've mostly got it under control by now though. Unless I'm wrong and this control is just temporary... I hope not. As I don't want this emotionality stuff.

What is this? If in your opinion I'm in the wrong forum, please tell me. Thanks.