Dear Pdoc

These last few days I've been feeling sort of alright. Not bad, but not good either. Just alright, calm, maybe a little numb. And this scares me. Though I hate feeling so depressed and that feeling is often almost unbearable, I don't really like this feeling. Maybe it's because I haven't felt good in such a long time and that's why it's a bit scary, I don't know this feeling. That's what my T says and she's right. But I don't think that's the only reason.
If I continue to feel like this, or feel even better, then
And if this medication is the right one for me, then I'll have to stop seeing you. And I don't want to stop seeing you. But I also don't want to see you again and I wish I had never met you. My feelings for you are confusing me. It's probably better to quit seeing you. But I like seeing you. And if I wouldn't see you again, it will hurt me so much and I don't know for how long those feelings of hurt will last. But I know I'll have to stop seeing you eventually. You're just my pdoc. Nothing more

I was thinking maybe I should lower my dose, then I those bad feelings will return again. Or to just lie to you about how I feel. But I shouldn't do that. That's not good for me. And maybe this is just temporarely. It has happen before. And I almost hope it is.
I know I won't tell you all of this, but it's probably better to talk to T about this.

I'm such a horrible person.