i have a difficult time with hobbies. i cannot find one i like for long. i have tried art over the years, collages, painting actual images (horrible), and recently stencils. it looked so easy to do...it's not. the first time i tried one, i became frustrated which then led to actual rage when then triggered something so bad that there was mild self harm involved which then led to a week and a half of being severely dissociated. i do not know why or what was triggered.

i used to think it was just my perfectionism, but now i don't know. i do not feel that level of anger ever...just frustration and mild anger..not actual rage.....and i just tried to do another canvas.....i managed to not get angry (it doesn't look how i hoped it would, and i hate it)...but now i am just feeling really sad and depressed....a little angry...but i don't understand my reaction.

all i wanted was to find one thing i could do and enjoy doing .....and i can't even have that....