I am a 27 female and I feel very inappropriate about what happened between me and my brother when we were kids (I was about 13/14 years old and my brother 11/12). Basically he tricked me into 'teaching' him how to handle things with a girl. He told me as an older sister I should safe him from disasters with girls by letting him touch and kiss me so he wouldn't look like a fool when he tried it. I felt proud in some weird way that he came to me for this and let him do those things to me and even gave tips. Afterwards I felt really disgusted and told him he shouldn't do it again, but on holidays (when we had to share the same room) I often woke up to him touching me and jerking off next to me. I told him to stop it but he said it was normal that siblings experience things like that together. Strangely enough, it did turn me on so sometimes I even pretended to be asleep while he was touching me.

Later on I started to avoid him as much as possible and would make a scene when we had to sleep together (much to my parents' annoyance). He is very (verbally) aggressive too and I always felt I couldn't defend myself for him.

Now I have developed a massive distance to my brother and people in general actually, I often think that all that guys want is sex and nobody cares about me. My mum tries to keep the family together but all I want is to move to another country and run away forever. I have been traveling a lot in my life (3 years straight was the longest period I have been away) and I've never missed anyone (neither family nor friends) or had the urge to return back home. Now that I am 27 I feel like the secret with my brother is growing on me and that it might be the reason why I don't trust anybody or don't let anybody come close to me (I also got rated as having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style). I just want to know if I should move on from what happened because it is normal or that I should speak to somebody about it?