My father had depression, my mother had depression, my sister had depression... Depression runs in the family whether it is an environmental or a genetic thing. But they had an episode, they got treatment, and they got fine... I may say cured.
But for me this never seems to have an end. The first drug they tried was the one, I have tried so many... I may be better than I was a year ago, but that's not a day that goes by that I can feel truly happy.
I am a student, my memory and my thinking are some of the most important things I can have, not forgetting my energy. They all seem to be a little bit better, but I fear they can reverse... A year from now I have the most important exam of my life. I have to study really hard and I have to memorize what is written in thousands of pages. So I am afraid my mental abilities won't be enough. It is an exam where I am competing for a job place with another two thousand people.
And here I am, placed in the middle of nothing, still waiting for my life to begging. Feeling bad but smiling to everyone and not letting anybody knows. And I still feeling bad on the inside. My family wonders why after almost two years, I am still on meds. But what they don't know is that in my last appointment my doctor increased the dosage of one of my meds.
I know I won't get reed of depression so easily, I think I am domed to have chronic depression. It has been at least 6 years of depression... But I am almost sure they have been more than that. My hope is that I can get some psychotherapy and that it can help me put apart the issues that don't let me move on. I am tired of being so lonely, of not having any friends or someone I can trust.
I just wanted to feel that some of what I think is known by someone... I imagine my self a lot of times, telling my schoolmates what I have been through. But in the end I realize I can't tell any of them. So it's me and always only me....
I know this is long and I feel I am saying random things without a purpose, and not that important to deserve a post, just to get someone to pay attention to what I feel.