Am feeling blue about this mess of a life I have. I take my responsibility for my mistakes but fact is, in childhood and adulthood, things have been done to me by others that have influenced the trajectory of my life and now I have lost everything. I have no family that I'm in contact with, no friends as circumstances have meant I have had to cut off all ties. The only people I'm in contact with are my doctors and mental health workers - people paid to talk to me. I can't work and haven't done so for over eight years due to my mental illnesses. If things don't change I won't be able to pay the rent where I live. I'm grossly overweight in part due to lifetime problems with food but also due to psych meds.

Once I started on psych meds 12 years ago I lost all hope and capacity for losing weight and my weight skyrocketed. I have IBS which means i can't walk for exercise or swim. But I can't walk for exercise anyway because my hips are now compromised by my weight. Because of what's been done to me I am in fear for my life every single day. I have profound sleep problems. I've been through a million med changes and have done endless work with psychiatrists and psychologists but I seem no closer to real breakthroughs. It's so pointless.