Hello everyone. I feel a bit weird posting here since I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD. But I've always felt that there was more to my depression and anxiety -- some underlying cause that never got addressed in therapy. I believe this is why therapy didn't work for me. Then fairly recently I learned about a woman named Marlene Winell and her efforts to spread awareness of a newly-dubbed disorder, Religious Trauma Syndrome or RTS.

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else on these boards who believes they suffer from this condition. Much to my disappointment it wasn't included in the DSM V, so receiving a proper diagnosis feels impossible. Plus too many people -- including psychiatrists -- sincerely believe that religion is always a benign, positive force in everyone's lives; they're blind to the great harm it can cause, especially in oppressive, authoritarian and fundamentalist religions.

I grew up under the oppressive reign of Mormonism. I hated church from an early age but my parents wouldn't hear of it; when I finally told them at about 6 years of age that I didn't want to go to church, they got SO angry with me. I guess they thought it was a childish "phase" and wouldn't listen. I was forced to attend church and a multitude of church-related meetings weekly. I had to hide my disbelief and discontent for decades, terrified that I might be disowned and kicked out for voicing my own beliefs -- not an uncommon occurrence in Mormonism, unfortunately; I knew two people who ended up that way. The heavy emphasis on obedience and perfectionism wreaked havoc on my otherwise independent and curious nature. For years I was totally convinced that I was a despicable sinner, that I would never be good enough, that god hated me and that I was headed straight to hell (or Outer Darkness as Mormons call it.) There were so many doctrines and beliefs that I frankly disagreed with, but I couldn't do so openly. I lied for so many years, insisting that I believed in the church when I secretly despised it. I was a hypocrite, teaching things to others that I didn't believe in myself. I refused to let my sexuality be suppressed as a teen, even when I was constantly reminded that things like pornography and especially masturbation were abominable sins that would destroy my soul. The guilt was endless. And I had to lie regularly in "worthiness" interviews with disgusting older men "of authority" that I hardly knew, telling them I was "chaste" when in reality I was anything but.

The cognitive dissonance proved to be too much for me. Finally I just couldn't live the double life anymore. I was suicidal for a long time. I hated myself so much for my own hypocrisy. Unfortunately my parents convinced me to attend BYU, a university run by the same oppressive religion. I had to continue hiding my real feelings for four years so I wouldn't be expelled. But on the day of my graduation I vowed to never be chained down by Mormonism again. It felt so good to finally be free to be ME.

It's been 7 years since then, but the effects of religion haven't faded. Depression and anxiety still have a firm hold on me, despite medication and therapy. Though I admit that I couldn't really bring this problem up with my therapist because he was a Mormon and refused to acknowledge that it could be harmful. I haven't set foot in a Mormon building in all that time, yet I still don't feel free of their influence. My parents, whom I've lived with since graduation, are still believers which bothers me even though they accepted it when I finally came out to them as an atheist. Moreover I live in Utah, dubbed Mormon Central by some, so I can't escape hearing about it endlessly, on the news or just by word of mouth. I'm inundated in their shallow culture. I'm constantly haunted by the idea that one of the bishopric, the missionaries or just regular "ward members" will stop by and try to reactivate me. Or that my parents will decide to "save" me. Unlike most religions, Mormonism holds onto a person for life and beyond; they have this ridiculous process called "Name Removal" that you have to go through if you want to no longer be counted as a member, although I've heard from numerous sources that they never really remove your name from their records, just stamp it with "inactive" or something and won't release it until you're 110 years old.

I don't know what to do. I'm so incredibly sick of Mormonism that I can feel it physically, sometimes, in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I can't escape it, no matter what I do. I have nightmares about Mormonism all the time, where I'm trapped in the wardhouse and cannot escape. I need to put it all behind me and just move on but I cannot figure out how; it's been weighing on me my whole life!