I have gone through religious trauma when I was growing up. My parents were very conservative southern baptist evangelical, and I was never good enough in their eyes. My dad claimed that god was punishing me by letting demons attack me and that's why I had panic attacks. He said to stop praying to god because god will not help me anymore, and that once jesus returns I will not get a new body like everyone else because I deserve all the self injury scars that I did to myself. He said I was a disobedient kid and whenever I tried to be nice he said it would never make up for being bad. My parents were always in disbelief that I was ever a good enough christian to get into heaven. They punished me for my sexuality (I am pansexual), and believe I am going to hell. I am atheist now. There's nothing better I could have ever done for myself than to ditch religion all together. I am healing, slowly, but being an atheist is the best thing for me.

By the way, I have always feared god's punishment and I think that's what messes me up the most. That, and thinking I'm never good enough, always sinning, god's going to get me, etc. I even get delusions occasionally (I have schizoaffective disorder and get delusions and hallucinations) that god is going to come punish me and not let me get away. it is really scary. I am definitely traumatized by all that.

I, too, refused to suppress my sexual desires and masturbated even though I felt so much guilt afterwards that I would cut myself for punishment.