I have no control over anything in my life. I live in a negative, hostile. and lonely environment. And I can't get out!!!

If only I had money. If only this or that. I feel as though I am trapped in a vicious cycle. I am in my 40's and I feel as though I cant even live my life. I am always waiting to live. I look at others and feel envious. Why are they married? Why are they making lots of money? Why??

I feel as though I can never express my opinion on anything, so I don't talk. If someone doesn't like what I say, then that further deters me from speaking to anyone.. I always feel rejected. so I don't seek out friendships.

I live double lives and hide everything I do. I search for excitement. I feel as though I have never lived. And because of that I feel bad and go deeper into hiding so I don't have to tell anyone that I have never lived.