Thursday's session was Soooooooo excellent. We connected! honest and for true connected. He "got" a bunch of stuff i have been trying to explain for a while... because it came up in the moment and he got it. He understood that i need to be told directly and exactly how he sees things. i need more frequent feedback and be told literal things that most people would not. It was just the best.. i felt so rewarded.

Today was not as exciting, but it was also good. We continued the conversation and talked about other things too. He said the best thing... when i said i felt a better connection last time he said he felt it too.

We talked a lot about my last T and how he made a number of damaging mistakes with me... and other experiences which have lead me to be dubious of him.

But the thing that grabbed my attention was this.... it seems that i am bothered deeply by him giving me positive feedback for things i have done well with. He wanted to dig into that and it makes me very nervous. i told him that when he says i did well with a situation, i instantly feel like i really shouldn't be in therapy, that i should just suck it up and manage on my own.

i have a really hard time allowing myself to have help and if he says i managed something then i feel like he is saying i don't need to be there... and then of course it gets even worse, it becomes "go away"

he has told me directly now that he is not going to ditch me and that i don't have to leave until i decide i am ok to do so. i don't believe deeply in that, but at least he knows he has to tell me that.

it felt really comfortable with him today... but i am hestitant. i have no idea of what to do or talk about when i am not in major crisis. i don't have a completely solid sense that he understands the parameters i have been trying to spell out... he can cross them as he pleases, as long as he is aware of them and reacts to me accordingly.... meaning that crossing a certain line would mean he would need to let me know he doesn't hate me for example.

he told me not to dwell on him not wanting me there, or that i am exaggerating or needing to just suck it up... he told me not to... but i am anyway.