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PinkFlamingo99 · Sep 28, 2015, 02:35 AM

Hey everyone,

Sorry this took so long! I haven't had the energy to come online much, I've been mostly reading when not at the day program or work. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I managed to make it to church today, which was nice and to get a hug and ask my pastor to pray for me. I want to email her to get together but she just had a grandchild and just came back from 5 week vacation so I'm going to give her a week or two.

I'm working still in the evenings and I couldn't handle it at all. So I brought in a note from my pdoc and they are cutting them way back just enough to keep me on payroll. I'm struggling so hard, I feel like such a failure so much of the time and I feel really really really scared. Hearing my T talk about how I need to stop blaming myself because I am "severely ill" scares me. The word "sick" scares me. I told her my boss said I seem really unwell and I was hurt and my T said "PF, you *are* unwell." Hearing all these things is scary and feels very serious and out of control.

Possible trigger:

The biggest scar from the really bad SH on my wrist/forearm is hurting a lot. I hope it's just regular scar tissue but I'm worried it's turning into a keloid scar or something. It's getting bigger and it hurts and itches and because it is vertical, it pulls whenever I reach for something. But still I am fighting such strong urges to hurt myself more. We're working on stopping me from picking my eyes now and I just did it bad for 3 hours.

I almost miss working, although I couldn't handle it, I'm scared to be here alone with my self-hatred and my violent thoughts. I walked around the mall today after church but kept crying and having to go into thr bathroom. I'm scared because I hate myself so much and I feel such violence toward myself, but I want to get better and I'm afraid I won't. It hurts so much right now it's hard to hold out and tell myself it can get better. My feelings scare me because my self-hatred is so strong

Possible trigger:

it hurts way more than cutting myself, and it feels more dangerous, although both my T and pdoc say that's not true. They say I was just "lucky" I didn't do worse damage with the kind of deep cutting I was doing. My feelings are so dark and scary though.

I still keep thinking if my ex-T and although I know this is a hurtful wsy of thinking, I keep wondering why I suddenly stopped being loveable after so long. Something must have caused it. It hurts so much. How can she not wonder how I am or miss me or anything? We didn't fight, nothing happened, she just stopped caring. It's so confusing because I wasn't paying her and we were breaking all those rules. Why did she not care about keeping me safe? Why do I matter so little? It hurts. Wow, new T would have a field day with all the thought distortions in this paragraph. But still, it all comes down to: why was I worth loving for 5.5 years but not anymore? I feel like I have no value.

Thanks everyone for reading, I'm sorry I'm so whiny and not as supportive lately. I'm trying so hard to cope.

Xox