I really dunno how to convey my desire to be present together with you in your pain.

You are worthy of love, and are loveable. I think your ex T had countertransference stuff and she burned out not realising how much you would need her after she perhaps fostered dependence.

You needing intensive help and being very very ill is NOT your fault.

I understand that being told you are very sick is scary.

The way I see it, it's like being in a bad car accident.

I agree with your T that it's not your fault.

Sometimes self blame makes one feel one has control, even though one doesn't.