okay so, maybe almost two months ago I took some pills. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me but in a moment of pure impulsiveness I took them anyway. I must of took them around eight o' clock that night and at first I was convinced they were placebos. But by ten o' clock I couldn't ignore the fact that I had chest pains, a headache, and was naesuea/sick to my stomach. I tried to ignore it, but eventually almost an hour later I was throwing up everything in my stomach.

I couldn't sleep for 12 hours straight. I was ****ing wired. I was having full body tremors and convulsions from my muscles cramping and tensing up, my teeth wouldn't stop chattering, I was jittery and having cold and hot flashes, and probably had a mild fever too. BY nine o' clock the next morning I was finally able to get in about two and a half hours of sleep before I was up again. The tremors had been reduced to just my hands and my muscles would tense up sporadically but with space in between. If I focused I could stop my teeth from chattering and my only hard to hide symptoms were my wobbly legs and dilated pupils (which stayed that way for almost 3 days).

All that happened to me because I had some leftover pills that I had stopped taking after one month and a half. (I know you are supposed to take it for longer to actually see results, but I was getting the medication through my school and I was graduating in less then a month and knew I wouldn't be able to stay on it since I would no longer be able to afford it outside of my school's funding for it).

All I keep thinking about is if I had more pills, I'd do it again.

WHen I was going through all of those symptoms I somehow felt content. I felt like --finally-- my outside is finally reflecting the way I feel on the inside. And I want to feel that way again. My wanting/taking the pills is more of a form of parasuicide than actual suicidal tendencies, but at the same time that's only because I don't think I could actively try and kill myself without the guilt of how it would effect my mom killing me first.