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Originally Posted by OneInBillions
Hello everyone. I feel a bit weird posting here since I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD. But I've always felt that there was more to my depression and anxiety -- some underlying cause that never got addressed in therapy. I believe this is why therapy didn't work for me. Then fairly recently I learned about a woman named Marlene Winell and her efforts to spread awareness of a newly-dubbed disorder, Religious Trauma Syndrome or RTS.
I'm just wondering if there is anyone else on these boards who believes they suffer from this condition. Much to my disappointment it wasn't included in the DSM V, so receiving a proper diagnosis feels impossible. Plus too many people -- including psychiatrists -- sincerely believe that religion is always a benign, positive force in everyone's lives; they're blind to the great harm it can cause, especially in oppressive, authoritarian and fundamentalist religions.
I grew up under the oppressive reign of Mormonism. I hated church from an early age but my parents wouldn't hear of it; when I finally told them at about 6 years of age that I didn't want to go to church, they got SO angry with me. I guess they thought it was a childish "phase" and wouldn't listen. I was forced to attend church and a multitude of church-related meetings weekly. I had to hide my disbelief and discontent for decades, terrified that I might be disowned and kicked out for voicing my own beliefs -- not an uncommon occurrence in Mormonism, unfortunately; I knew two people who ended up that way. The heavy emphasis on obedience and perfectionism wreaked havoc on my otherwise independent and curious nature. For years I was totally convinced that I was a despicable sinner, that I would never be good enough, that god hated me and that I was headed straight to hell (or Outer Darkness as Mormons call it.) There were so many doctrines and beliefs that I frankly disagreed with, but I couldn't do so openly. I lied for so many years, insisting that I believed in the church when I secretly despised it. I was a hypocrite, teaching things to others that I didn't believe in myself. I refused to let my sexuality be suppressed as a teen, even when I was constantly reminded that things like pornography and especially masturbation were abominable sins that would destroy my soul. The guilt was endless. And I had to lie regularly in "worthiness" interviews with disgusting older men "of authority" that I hardly knew, telling them I was "chaste" when in reality I was anything but.
The cognitive dissonance proved to be too much for me. Finally I just couldn't live the double life anymore. I was suicidal for a long time. I hated myself so much for my own hypocrisy. Unfortunately my parents convinced me to attend BYU, a university run by the same oppressive religion. I had to continue hiding my real feelings for four years so I wouldn't be expelled. But on the day of my graduation I vowed to never be chained down by Mormonism again. It felt so good to finally be free to be ME.
It's been 7 years since then, but the effects of religion haven't faded. Depression and anxiety still have a firm hold on me, despite medication and therapy. Though I admit that I couldn't really bring this problem up with my therapist because he was a Mormon and refused to acknowledge that it could be harmful. I haven't set foot in a Mormon building in all that time, yet I still don't feel free of their influence. My parents, whom I've lived with since graduation, are still believers which bothers me even though they accepted it when I finally came out to them as an atheist. Moreover I live in Utah, dubbed Mormon Central by some, so I can't escape hearing about it endlessly, on the news or just by word of mouth. I'm inundated in their shallow culture. I'm constantly haunted by the idea that one of the bishopric, the missionaries or just regular "ward members" will stop by and try to reactivate me. Or that my parents will decide to "save" me. Unlike most religions, Mormonism holds onto a person for life and beyond; they have this ridiculous process called "Name Removal" that you have to go through if you want to no longer be counted as a member, although I've heard from numerous sources that they never really remove your name from their records, just stamp it with "inactive" or something and won't release it until you're 110 years old.
I don't know what to do. I'm so incredibly sick of Mormonism that I can feel it physically, sometimes, in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I can't escape it, no matter what I do. I have nightmares about Mormonism all the time, where I'm trapped in the wardhouse and cannot escape. I need to put it all behind me and just move on but I cannot figure out how; it's been weighing on me my whole life!
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This is an interesting question. I, too, struggle with the concept of religion and question how much damage it caused me growing up, although for slightly different reasons than your own.
When I was younger my father was a Satanist, and my mother was... actually she was a bit of a spiritualist with Christian leanings I guess? She read the bible, but never identified strongly with any particular church. On the other hand, she seemed to believe in tarot card readings and focused crystal rituals, which she kept hidden from other Christians. Later I grew to understand why. My brothers' mother was Jewish, and she made it clear that she wanted the boys raised in a proper religion. Somehow my father got them involved in the Mormon Church. I'm not really sure if this is because there weren't any nearby Jewish communities to where we lived at the time, or because he didn't want to deal with the Jewish community. He was pretty solidly drunk at that point in our lives so maybe he thought the fact that Mormons had synagogues like the Jews made them close enough? Like I said, I
really don't know what the thought process was there. I was pretty young, so I don't really remember having any formal religious structure during my formative years, which is probably why moving in with my grandparents after the divorce came as such a shock.
"Bible-thumping Baptist" is the phrase that springs to mind there.
Needless to say, I had a number of questions about the whole bible thing, but felt penalized for having to ask, and punished if I argued or questioned in a way that "doubted God's word" or "undermined the teachings of the church." I went from having no real religious beliefs to being told I had to believe and behave a certain way or else I was going to be thrown into a pit of fire for misbehavior. I had been raised prior to that point with a strict enforcement of consequences for misbehavior. In retrospect, the "punishments" I had received from my father while growing up were over the top and abusive, but at least they correlated with my behavior in a way that I could understand and I was never punished twice for the same transgression. To my young mind, everything in the world ever seemed capable of getting you thrown in a pit of fire in the Christian paradigm with no logical connection between the sin and the punishment. This was unfortunate as I took following rules very seriously because I always associated punishments with physical attacks. With this new religion, the attacks I found myself under weren't physical so I had no knowledge of how to protect myself or even know what could trigger an attack from an authority figure. If I committed a "sin" even without realizing it (and how could I possibly know ahead of time what would be considered a sin when the rules seemed to shift from day to day or the person talking?) I was punished without a clear explanation. Also, when a punishment is done, it should be done and everyone moves on, and if you get punished once you shouldn't keep getting beaten up for it. I would be punished by an adult, but then I was also going to be punished with eternal burning after I died too? How freaking unfair was that? I really grew to hate that church, and I have yet to find any church that I do like. I'm willing to go to a church so that I can't say, "oh I hate that" when I don't know what they teach, but I suppose so long as they follow the teachings of the Bible I'm probably not going to belong to any church.
When I was twelve, I sat down and read the bible front to back while I was grounded (from reading) by my foster mother. Luckily she wasn't comfortable telling me I couldn't read that book, so I finally managed to read the full source material for myself. I realized very quickly that not only was I, not a Christian, I had absolutely no desire to be one. I went back and read it again when I was older. Nope, still not buying it. It has some good messages, but it all tends to be hidden beneath some truly appalling ones.
I'm finally to a point where I can smile and thank anyone who says "God bless you" because I figure well wishes whatever the form is welcome, but religious discussions or invitations make me very anxious and I just shut down from the conversation at that point. Ultimately, I follow a sort of pagan based spiritualism rather than any particular religious belief, but I do appreciate how screwed up religious mores can leave you.
