I feel a bit like Ahab with Moby **** at the moment, to a point where I question whether what I'm putting myself through right now will be worth the payoff of stabbing at a whale that no one has had any success in killing. I'm sorry, I'm trying to make sense, but my thoughts keep jumping around right now.

Do you ever obsess over something that triggers your PTSD in a bad way?
Like you feel like if you could just rip something apart, and get others to understand why it's so wrong that your life would somehow be better, even though in the short term it tears you apart to have anything to do with it? Like you know it's unhealthy and damaging for you, and it's negatively impacting your life in the now to even expose yourself to something, but you still feel like you have to absorb yourself in it until it's completely destroyed, if only so you can feel peace in the future?