I am a stress binger. The weird thing is that while I've had a lot of little stressors the past couple of weeks, I can't pinpoint any one thing going on that would justify yesterday. I just got a lower grade than I hoped for on an assignment (not low enough to justify self-harm on any level) and broke down. I bought a chicken tender meal box and a large side of cole slaw from KFC, then stopped at a BK to get two Whoppers while I was driving home since it happened to be between me and my house. When I got home, I ate both burgers, all the sides, cookie, and half of the coleslaw and chicken tenders. I was full by the time I started the second burger and I barely tasted anything I ate.

I'm not hungry at all today, but also have to worry that if I don't eat something I'll trigger my hypoglycemia and accidentally trip a seizure because I'm being stupid about this. On the other hand, eating when I didn't want to is exactly the reason I woke up with a low-simmering resentment about the world and everything in it.

I resent myself for being weak and wasteful. I resent every person who has ever forced me to eat anything I didn't want. I resent normal people for having the self-control/energy/metabolism I lack. I resent fat people I see who look completely happy with life. I resent super skinny people because they make me really nervous. I resent my classes because I started one class late and I'm struggling to catch up in a way that makes the other class difficult to give my full attention. I resent that this is happening while I'm in an obsessive phase over a book that I hate. I resent that my emotions are upsetting to my cats, and that just makes them squabble with each other. I resent that I don't feel like I have the time or energy to clean my house or cook healthy food to get myself stabilized after all this nonsense. I resent that I went to bed crying, and my last thought I can remember having before I fell asleep was, "What the hell is wrong with me? Food should be a basic necessity, not a reward or punishment." So I really, really resent face-palm realization moments that strike when you feel all vulnerable and not at all ready to deal with the broader implications of everything that is wrong with your brain.