I am very sorry for everything you have been through. There was something wrong with your ex-T not you. I think she had her own issues and didn't handle them well. I agree with another poster that just because she no longer talks with you does not mean she did not care. I am just learning this myself with someone who abandoned me that was a huge part of my life, my only real mother figure that moved very far away. I know its hard to hear these things and put them into perspective. I think you are very strong and you are fighting the urges and I think you are lovable and have the power to try and get better.