This site has no notification system and I missed this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05
Why do you say it is more frightening to do it rarely? Sorry about not understanding. I do get how it is pretty effective in the self-punishment department. So what kinds of things do you punish yourself over? Must be pretty bad if it is few and far between. Only thing about it being a way to deal with the rage and guilt towards self is that it becomes a rewarding behavior (meaning we feel better afterwards and therefore more likely to keep repeating it to get the same feeling). Then the more we do it, the more it becomes our go to. Sounds like you have some other ways of coping though, which can be good so long as not harmful to self. I hope for you to find a way to be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the opportunity to learn and grow instead of taking it out on your body.  |
When I say rare, I mean like once or twice a year.
To me that makes it more disturbing, because it's more like a last resort. There's no other choice, nothing else is going to assuage these feelings. It's explosive emotionally. It doesn't get to that point too often, so when it does, it leaves me pretty shaken. Last time I did it I was in tears afterwards and seriously considered calling some hotline (but decided it wasn't worth it, they have real self-harmers to attend to).
Also, I might have mentioned this elsewhere, but my "self-harming" is really...pathetic, compared to people slashing themselves with razor blades or burning themselves. I just beat myself, belts and fists, occasionally doors. I'm more like a deranged person than a depressive.
As to what I punish myself over...mostly feeling inadequate, like a useless, worthless, horrible person, like everything about me is just bad and wrong and deserves to be hurt for being so defective. I can have delf-destructive thoughts of others hurting me, usually triggered by hearing an account of someone else's suffering. Like, hearing about how someone was bullied every day for years and something in me wants someone to knock me around, hold me down and punch me, forcibly strip me and sexually assault me, you know, bully stuff. Or even hearing about someone's abusive childhood will have me "wanting" someone to beat me, to lock me up, starve and hurt me, etc. I put wanting in quotes since it usually isn't an explicit desire, rather my head just fills with images of these things happening.
Yes, it's completely f-ed up. I know.
Last attack was over food and dieting (first and only time, no I don't have any kind of ED; though I've flirted with binge eating before). That's what I call them, attacks. That's what it feels like and it helps imply how rare it is.