i thought it might be helpful to put together a timeline of events related to dissociation that i experienced over however many years i've known about it (as an adult anyway). to do that, i was going through years worth of diary entries. since she either was testing me or really forgets things i told her in the past (also confirmed in journal entries i read), i thought it should be done.

i thought at this point i might be able to better deal with it all since the dissociation hasn't been so bad the last few years until the last few weeks anyway.

i was going to put down all the trauma i do remember and the things i am unsure about being real memories or not.

it all ended up triggering me on top of random things not related to it all. i was going through very specific details last night with someone. not the best idea...because i tried for a long time to stop trying to figure out the things i don't remember...and now i am paying for it. it feels like a dark part is punishing me for doing all of that. i think it also did that a few years ago when i was trying to figure things out too. and it tries to scare me and tries to take away the things i do remember or something.

i just so badly need my psychiatrist to understand this all..and i thought a timeline and descriptions of the dissociation, others, and trauma would be the right thing to do. and now i am not sure.