Hi Walter,
I'm so sorry for everything that you have gone through. It's not fair to be burdened with so much at your age. It sounds like you are dissociating a lot. I really hope that you can open up to a therapist about that and your racing thoughts. A psychiatrist could help you with your anxiety and depression.

I'm glad that you posted here. When you're ready to get some help from a therapist you could always show him/her your posts in this forum to ease your way into a conversation about your history.