Quote:
Originally Posted by Justagir1
Sounds like you've met some truly awful women in your past - Im sorry you've experienced that, and Im glad you appreciate that the vast majority of us are decent people!
As for me - I resent all people. Gender makes no difference to me. Lets face it, I wouldn't be on this forum if I should be on the cover of Sanity Fair!
I have tried a variety of tactics to explain myself with men - none have been amazingly successful. At the end of the day - rejecting someone is never going to be a fun experience. To be honest, no, in the beginning I was not up front. This was far from being cruel - I was trying to protect the guys, trying not to hurt them and I was worried that being totally up front would hurt them more. I realised pretty quickly though, that the message was not getting through (unsurprisingly!).
I have a lot of male friends - I get on with guys much easier than I get on with girls. Unfortunately, what happened was that guys would misinterpret me seeing them as really great friends, as me being interested in them. In my eyes, we were just hanging out having a laugh. I was one of the lads. In their eyes - romance was blossoming. As soon as I would realise what was happening, I would try and stop it - but I would try and do it 'nicely' and the guys just never got the hint.
So after a while, I changed tactic. I would be completely up front. My line of choice is that 'I just don't feel the magic', or 'that chemistry just isn't there for me'. You're probably wondering why I don't say 'I don't have sex, I don't want you or anyone else'. Well, I have said that once or twice. But usually, I don't say it, because its not true.
I've been celibate a long time, I enjoy this and am comfortable with this. However, I have not ruled out ever having a relationship ever again. I just genuinely haven't met anyone I feel that chemistry with. If I did meet someone I wanted to take things further with - I would. The reason I am rejecting a guy is not because 'I don't have sex' - Its because I just don't fancy him. Im just not attracted to them. They might be the most wonderful, fabulous people that I love hanging out with - but that special something thats needed to progress the relationship to something romantic just is not there. Thats not anyones' fault, and theres certainly no thought in my mind that there is something wrong with the guy - I just don't fancy them.
Like I say - guys' reactions have varied. One guy I was very honest with, and who had known about my celibacy from the start of our friendship - took it rather badly, turned in to a complete psychopath and the police had to get involved. Another guy slit his wrists. Another guy is still my friend, and thinks he is gonna 'turn' me. And many others have continued to be my wonderful, fabulous, plutonicly loved best friends who I am privileged to have in my life.
It sounds like you have met some very cruel women in the past - but sometimes people get hurt, and its no ones fault, and no one did anything wrong - its just one of those things.
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I'm sorry you feel that way about people, and I used to stay out of people's way too in the past. I'm sorry you had to have that experience with the psychopathic man too. I was also involved last year with a psychopathic woman who stole most of my money. I think you get horrible people in both genders and it's not a gender specific thing.
The thing is, I know you don't fancy the guys, but I think you are denying yourself the possibility of having a truly loving relationship by doing that.
There are many women in their 50's and 60's who I've spoken to before. Many have said that they regret marrying men that they were attracted to romantically and sexually, and looking back to their 20's and 30's, would rather have dated and married one of their best friends.
I think many men and women have the same problem, I had it too - we confuse love with sexual attraction. I lived in denial for a long time, I told myself I didn't, until the day I realized that it was the whole reason why I was getting "burnt" with women each time I tried to date one.
It's such a deeply ingrained thing you don't even know it's happening, but unfortunately our minds have been programmed to find someone of the opposite sex sexually attractive, and that predetermines completely our endeavors and results with the opposite sex. And this is when you start encountering rejections, misguided attempts at romance, getting involved with horrible people, etc.
I can appreciate you "switching off" or "desensitizing" your "radar", but all you end up with is loneliness if you do that.
This is just a thought, but if your "not dating a friend" paradigm has still not delivered results by 38, then maybe it wasn't a good paradigm after all? Just a thought.
I'm sorry for all you've been through. I think many people have been scorned by the opposite sex, and that always sucks.
But, I learned long ago, my "removing myself" from the possibility of love or a relationship is
only spiting
me in the end. I am the only one missing out, nobody else. I am not "depriving" anyone of a chance of great love by not allowing them a date with me. If they don't find it with me, they will just find it somewhere else. If other people can't get through to you, they simply move on. That's a hard truth to swallow I know, but it's true unfortunately and you'll only be doing yourself in.
I hope things work out for you!
Maybe just try dating a best friend once, who knows, maybe you end up really in love and it was just a hidden dimension waiting to be explored! Take care