I said thanks because you can write what I often feel myself. I do wish you can escape from the pain of this life and learn to overcome this depression. I battle with those thoughts often.
I'm sorry, because I know the feeling of being shut out. I also have to take things day by day or moment by moment. Sometimes I think this is not right to suggest, but I will. Listening to Eckhart Tolle on youtube has helped me to learn about acceptance and letting go, and the power of living in the present. If you search his name, and "pain body", you will get a list of his teachings. Best wishes