Sleepy train is such a good way to put that like yeah...

I've had to change when I take my AP because of said sleepy train that likes to take me to places I don't want to go.

Deep places in my mind seem to have surfaced in a new way as of late. My therapist asked me a good question yesterday she was like well I know you have schizophrenia, your psychiatrist knows, close friends of yours know, so why do you try to hide it so much around people that already know? She had a very good point. I'm so obsessed with looking/acting "normal" and frankly it exhausts me... I would rather just let the mask drop around my close friends, my treatment team, and here on PC than to keep trying to hide something that I can't really hide anyways. People offline know something is "off" about me, they don't always know it's schizophrenia but they know I'm odd, different, disturbed, whatever you want to call it.

I think I can thank one of my parentals for this, he still thinks I don't actually have schizophrenia and his constant telling me to "just stop it and act normal" affected me a lot more than I like admitting to... and I'm like wow, wtf I've been diagnosed for going on a decade now and I don't believe that he just doesn't see it, everyone else that was in my life from that time period knew I was very mentally ill. He just chooses to be in denial because I think he's got some kind of mental illness and he doesn't want to deal with it.

I need more coffee I feel so tired... Stupid medication adjustment... Worth it but still, #schizophreniaproblems