Again, thanks for all the advice! Writing what I wrote and not getting slammed online has been such a help. I'm a bit relieved actually.
Knittingismytherapy I know there are a lot of blanks, I just don't understand why they can't be filled before I speak and not after. I don't think I am that scared of the knowledge as long as nobody else finds out about it. Like I would rather know fully what I am dealing with before I share it. I realise that this is prob very unusual but I think that's how I feel about it.
And I can see why you would think it's messed up to like your abuser but if it's of any help, I asked somebody about this person from my past and I was told about how funny he was and how much I liked him.
FeralKittyMom, thanks, I used to do that all the time right before an exam I would start tackling cleaning jobs that would take hours and then I'd go 'whoops, I didn't have time to study, if I don't do well at least I know why!'