Cy, this is the second time that I have read your post. My heart goes out to you, I understand about having an inner struggle with your self on a sexual issue. I have several myself: 1 I am a bi-sexual male 2 I am into BDSM 3 I like the idea of wearing women's underwear 4 I love older women (no they aren't "cougars").
I have struggled with my sexuality all my life, I like guys just as much as I do women, but I have yet to explore that area of my life. My BDSM at least I have been able to bring aspects of it into many of my relationships, without having to say hey lets do this. The rest is just personal qualities that I am comfortable with and deal with; I don't even quantify any of my life as a fad or fetish. Yes I do have a couple of fetishes, but I like things that people say are taboo, but we won't go down that road.
I didn't want to answer this post because as a man, I wasn't sure if I could give good insight on what you are trying to convey in your post. I guess I am showing my inadequacy here. I hope in some way I may have given you some kind of nugget.
You are a special, unique person and no matter what you are you. Be comfortable with yourself. And if it makes you feel better let it go, scream, cry and wail; it may be the best thing you ever did. Peace.