I feel like I am not coping very well lately. I spent three months on medical leave from work and fully thought I was ready to come back to work. However I walked into an even more stressful situation than when I left - business is down and layoffs are pending. I don't have enough to do to keep me occupied throughout my day and am constantly feeling like I am on the verge of a panic attack - the anxiety never eases.

On top of all this, I am not sure that my pdoc listens or even cares what is wrong or bothering me. He just kind of smiles and nods and doesn't really say or do anything other than talk about what meds there are and tell me I can't take xyz because it causes weight gain and I don't need any more problems with that. Then during my last visit he tried to sell me some natural supplement that he gets a cut of the profits on AFTER I had just finished telling him that I have to go back to work because my husband has been unemployed the last 6 months and we really need the other 40% of my income that is lost while I am on short term disability.

I understand a pdoc is for meds, and that is his job, but he never mentioned seeing a therapist and honestly he didn't diagnose me - I told him that after dealing with my daughter have BPD I recognize that I have had the same symptoms my entire life, ran through a 10 second history and he said "yep, you're textbook type I". In reading more, I have other issues as well, but when I try to bring that up he tells me "let's just fix one thing at a time". ARRGHHH!!!

Then he tells me I am at a "therapeutic dosage" of my meds, yet I see others that are taking more than he gives me, besides if it's NOT working, how is it THERAPUTIC?!?!

So yes, I get that I need to find a new pdoc. and I guess some kind of therapist who can listen to me rant. And it is quite possible that I need to be on a medical leave again because the meds I am on are not stopping me from cycling and I am very afraid of losing the job I have - especially since we are downsizing!

In summation, I just feel like the world is coming down on me - my anxiety makes me want to stop breathing, I am fantasizing about suicide (no worries, I am a chicken when it comes down to it, but boy can I plan it out like a pro) and my moods are up one second, down for 10.

Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.