I can't focus at work anymore. I have worked non-stop, crazy, all day long. I have tons of stuff left to do, but I can't. I feel like it's the first time I'm ever going to see T. I don't know what's wrong with me. During our last session I basically went blind the whole time so not too much was accomplished except for the fact that I felt really safe in there while something really scary was happening to me. What's scaring than going %#@&#! blind in your Ts office?
Exploring erotic transference? Yeah. That's scarier. Don't think I can do it. Lately I feel very connected to him when I'm in there. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous. Not used to feeling like that. What do I do? Just sit down and be connected? Say: "Hi. I'm connected. Now what?" I can't I can't I can't I want to be sitting in his %#@&#! lap. Then I end up pushing him away; getting all pissed off at him just so I don't have to deal with the connection... cause for me it's all about object constancy. I don't want to deal with the hurt when I have to leave. And I %#@&#! up again... the semester is over so I went back to 2x per week. Now when school starts again and I'm back to 1x per week I'm going to be crushed. A little bit over two hours away now.... Today is going to be one of those sessions when it's just too much to sit in the room with him. Sometimes I have to close my eyes, can't look at him cause the feeling is too intense. %#@&#!. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?