I know well the desire to keep my SI to myself. If nobody knows about it then nobody can take it away from me. Then there is the shame factor. Sigh. And all those question you have, I have asked them too. I tried asking my T but he didn't have a satisfactory answer. It was all the "you have been doing it so long it is a condition response and it provides you with relief" Ok, but how did I start? Why did it provide me with relief from the very beginning? It is not because I got attention. No one ever knew. It isn't because I felt that I deserved the abuse because I didn't feel that way. It isn't because I hate myself because I don't...did I then...no. So what are the answers? I hope you and I can discover them together since we are both asking them.

May I make a suggestion? Since your mom offered to help you why don't you take her up on it? I know it would be incredibly uncomfortable at first but maybe it would help forge and understanding between the two of you and also give you some of the loving attention you need.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson