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Originally Posted by sagemackhugo
Oh wow, since you were that young? I don't think I had the problem at that point... Although I remember literally, like, nothing about my life barely. Maybe most of it hasn't been that memorable? Idk, it's really weird...
But yeah, I'm sorry you had that problem... Must have been hard to deal with. I often try not to think sometimes too. If you couldn't distinguish your delusions from reality then how did you know about your delusions? Did you go to a therapist then as well or something? I wonder what that would feel like...
I definitely am self-aware. Whenever I'm really scared of something and start freaking myself out, I think I must be just making it up to be something it's not, but then again I keep freaking out and obsessing over it. Same with the paranoid about cameras/voice recorders/and thinking. I think about the fact that I'm probably wrong, but the thoughts of it usually override that and I can't get over it.
I've wanted to talk to someone for a while, but I'm not even sure why... I think it's more a an introspection thing. I want to go through all my thoughts and problems and just figure myself out. I'm very, very introspective. Probably obsessive. But that's about my other things, lol. THIS stuff is actually stuff that would be nice to get help with because I hate being scared and on edge so much. It really sucks. But then again, I don't know how I would go about that... I don't want to talk to my family about it... Although a little while back my mom suggested that I go talk to someone (another story). But I can't just say, "hey, I think people are spying on me all the time and reading my thoughts. I've even felt the need to watch my thinking around you. I want to go talk to someone." Like, I can't do that... And it costs money and stuff... But someday I hope to... Because I do feel like some of it's been getting worse.
And wow, those thoughts would be very distracting. I feel like I'm kinda like that sometimes, but not super bad like that. It always depends. I feel like they'd laugh at me if I actually did go in though, like, "Why are you even here?" But yeah, you're definitely right, it's better to get help with things sooner than later.
Oh, and just kinda thought of something. Let's see if I can put it into words though... A lot of times I'll be thinking something, or about to think something, but stop myself because I think that person might hear the thought. But sometimes I keep thinking things and I'll watch them carefully to see if they show any signs/reactions to see if they really can hear me. And sometimes then they'll say something and it basically confirms that they can, and then I'm on edge all the time and scared that they really can hear me. Idk. lol.
Thank you for your response!  |
When you are young, they call it being overly-imaginative. It is when this imaginative nature is carried well into the age of old-enough-to-know-better that things start to get troublesome. Most of my strangest beliefs were developed in high school.
To answer your question, I was not aware that I was delusional until after the fact. I am not really sure what caused the sudden clarity. One day, I simply thought: "My God. I was insane." That, I must reiterate, should not be taken to mean I was suddenly “all better”. But, self-awareness is the first and most difficult step towards healing and although I wasn’t entirely sure an evil spirit hadn’t been controlling me, the fact that I recognized the absurdity of the idea was a good sign. The journey through crazy was a long and gradual process and I've carried a few remnants into the present, I suppose.
Although I've attempted therapy, I never follow through with it. It's very difficult for reasons I've stated in my previous comment. I suppose I justify this by saying I am much better than I was and my fears haven't caused me to hide away from the outside world. The thoughts really aren't so bad. They are much quieter now and do not hold as much power over me.
I know this isn't the sort of thing that is easy to talk about-especially to those close to us. Because they've no experience in the matter, the most they can offer are perplexed stares and suggestions like "Maybe you should see a therapist". But support is very important. Isolation is to delusions as wood is to fire. Although I couldn't speak of it at the time-because everyone was deceiving me, of course-I have started doing so now and it is quite nice. I am lucky enough to have a bipolar father who can relate to this sort of thing.
My newest fear is that I will develop some sort of dreadful disease like diabetes or skin cancer or I will become horribly obese.
One of my delusions-the strongest of them-had to do with body-image. Basically, I feared that I was fat but couldn't properly see my reflection. Everyone else knew but were keeping the truth from me and were mocking me-but I new! They even changed the sizes on all my tags so I wouldn't catch on. Typical vain teenage stuff.
I also fear that I will cause my family members to develop these diseases. It quickly goes from "they might" to "they have and it is all my fault because I didn't warn them." It's sort of silly. So you ever fear these sorts of things?