I find it so messed up I want to go out with someone I know or they know me well enough, but not close enough that we be considered more than acquaintances and move up from there, because I like to surprise the person to know more about me in good ways.

Feeling like I wish people knew my struggle and feeling isolated in my own bubble. It's like I'm forced to live a certain way, and I fight every possible way to get what I want and nothing less. No matter if that person says no whether it's the job I want, the people I want to impress. I don't let anyone tell me no I can't do something. They can say it, but they won't make me quit.

I feel a sense of emptiness, that I want someone to really just be my friend not be my lover at the same time too. Like I don't want a sexual relationship at times too and other times I just obsess over it because it's normal and that it's a coping mechanism to my mental loneliness.

See I want to feel the feeling that I accomplished what I wanted all along to happen and just experience that. Even if short lived, what will extend it's life is the fact I can say I did it. It already works now. When I work out I always think about what motivated me, my pain and insecurity of not feeling good enough that I'm too ugly or fat. Then when it came to being abused, I told myself I'll own the world and have whatever I want, because I can make it happen and never let this happen to me ever again. I still want to feel that "ahahaha **** you" feeling of accomplishment.

With relationships it's not like that, it's more. I want something right. I don't know what it is. I want it to be right and I know every time when it's wrong, but it's making it easier to say for certain what I actually want. My brain gets the best of me.