Hello everybody

I am a 19 year old male who has had the diagnoses of ASPD flung around between varying psychologists/counselors/psychiatrists. However, I am very curious as to whether any of you have had thoughts which led to you being diagnosed with this disorder. I am told that people with ASPD rarely spur their own treatment process.

To start, callous and unemotional has described me since the earliest days I can remember. I only cried once in my lifetime (and had actually felt sad). That was when my father died when I was six years of age. I have always been very aggressive and exploitative. People to me are extensions of myself, to be used. Every person in my life at the current moment serves a purpose, and if any of those people stop fulfilling those purposes, they get discarded. I can wear kindness like a suit and tie, and use it commonly to gain rapport (with success, may I add). Violence is quite literally the only thing that excites me besides drugs and other extreme things such as climbing dangerous rock faces, or skydiving. I have been fighting since the age of 4. I have maimed several members of my family, as well as some friends as well. However, upon reflection, I realized I never even once felt bad about hurting those people. I am an excellent liar, to this day the only person I would describe as adept at detecting my deceitfulness would be my mother.

At the age of 16 I had engaged with a clinical psychologist, and I lied so much that she actually had the intuition that I was a good person. After that, and being arrested for drug possession and unruly, I was forced into seeing a team of specialists. I employed a strategy of deceit with them as well. It worked for a while, until they started to break confidentiality and tell my mother what I was saying. Upon manipulating my mother to let me leave that place after my time was done, she had told me that I have several signs of having experienced conduct disorder, and given I was 18 at the time, ASPD. I was 17 however and could not be diagnosed.

Should I see a doctor? I abuse someone I actually kind of like quite often and it is quite tiring to be constantly sucking someone else's emotions like a vampire. I will insult her for hours on end until she literally cannot reply anymore due to a lack of motivation. I don't physically abuse her, just emotionally and verbally. I don't feel any guilt over such instances, however she is quite nice and this desire to hurt others is getting quite bothersome.

I'm pretty sure that if I saw someone, they could give me options. I'm pretty positive I have ASPD (maybe even Psychopathy). I literally think of myself as better than anyone and everything. I think my life has more intrinsic value than others. However, besides anger, no other emotions are really present in my day to day life. I seek opinion as to what I should do because I wish to develop a more harmonious relationship with this woman.

Thank you for your replies