So yesterday afternoon I finally got up the nerve to email my doctor and tell him that my current meds aren't helping completely at the moment, that I am still cycling and have been idealizing suicidal thoughts (with no intention of acting on them).

His response was that we will add Lithium to the mix now. I'm freaked out, I have heard Lithium horror and success stories, but can't even fathom at this point what I will do if it doesn't work. I have hit an all time low, can't control my emotions, and seem to be either angry or crying all the time. Thank goodness I have a door to my office at work or they would pull me out on a stretcher.

Just sharing because my support system is nil - my husband tries but lately he keeps telling me he knows I am looking for someone on the side because that is "what I do" when things get out of control. He isn't wrong that it is something that sometimes happens, but it's usually in a state of mania not depression so now all he is doing is making me hate him. I tried telling him that, but he just says "It's okay, I love you" and I feel like it's so condescending that I want to freaking tear his head off and well...I'll stop there.