Sadly I can relate to that also. He was constantly lying about things or just not saying anything & thinking that it wasn't lying because he didn't say anything & then when asked WTH was that about he would always reply with his normal response "I don't know!" His best manuever on that was when I had the mail forwarded to my new farm over Christmas & then kicked him back to California.....I got a letter in the mail that was forwarded from our home there......FROM THE IRS stating that this was the 2nd mailing & that the first one had been sent the previous April & that was then February (the day before my birthday no less)......I called him about it with a WTH??? & why hadn't he said anything......as it was a huge mistake he had made on my inheritance income....not a little mistake....a HUGE one. His comment was that he had received the letter some time in April before we left on the trip but he didn't understand it so he just ignored it & he tried to look for the tax information to figure it out but couldn't find it.

He would always answer my questions about information I needed with whatever was on the top of his head that he truly believed was the truth.....only for me to find out that he had NO IDEA what he was talking about. At that time I was truly thinking he'd had a stroke or was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's......but since then I have come to realize through my own research what I had been dealing with all those years. He's in denial & honestly, like your wife, he can't even take care of himself......found out he was living on overdraft money to pay all his bills & after I finished dealing with the IRS, I closed the joint account leaving him hanging himself that month. His disability is much more than mine but he's totally incompetent when it comes to anything financial & he actually let the house go into foreclosure (while my name was still on the loan & not divorced yet because of dealing with the IRS.

When you leave them, they can still mess with you even 2100 miles away though I have required EVERYTHING be done in written form. I got a new phone # that he will never know after he gave it out to a lending company that he also defaulted on the loan from & I kept getting his calls because he would NEVER answer his phone. Lies, lies & more lies of omission......honestly after years of dealing with it, it does end up taking a toll mentally, emotionally & physically.

It's the pits when ending up in a damned if you do & damned if you don't take action. People who are publicly in denial that there is anything wrong are impossible to live with.

Interesting because after all the fighting we did, one of his final comments was that he thought I would just continue tolerating him for the rest of our lives My life wouldn't have been long at that point if would have stayed....by the time I left, I was seeing red whenever I had to deal with him. I thought seeing red was "just a saying"....but found out it's real. Interesting because his parents are in denial that there is anything wrong with him either & blamed all his behavior on ME though all the crap I was living with, his mother dealt with while he was growing up.....definitely denial & refusing to be educated on the subject. He always had an arrogant side of him that actually turned me off & was part of the issues even before the wedding. But like you said.......sometimes the red flags can be logiced away & not wanting to overreact....benefit of the doubt & all that crap & if we had knowledge of the future, we would have definitely done things a LOT different. 20/20 hind sight always reveals the real facts but sometimes that's costly.

In reality, we can only do what we know is best at the time we are making our decisions. I know looking back, there are times I have to rethink what logic I was dealing with at the time to have made some of the decisions I made.....but it's logical when I go back to what I was thinking at the time & well thought through given what information I had available.....I am sure your situation is similar.