How my day was;

- Energetic dancing around max music (Usually if I'm not, something is wrong).
- Cigarette and idk I'm going to be writing a lot because things don't make sense
- Feeling of pure hopelessness in my future and left school early.
- Crying because this illness is killing me.
- Took 200mg methylphenidate because I thought that would be the last refill.
- Never felt so depressed on it since I started taking it almost 3 years ago
- Talked to my psychologist on the phone. He said not to dwell on it but the pharmacy can't know because it's illegal.

I can't just be hopefull. Apparently I pledged or something that I wouldn't do it again. That was a year ago. I was taking them as prescribed the whole time with an extra one sometimes which was rare. No one believes what I say. They won't even try because of schizophrenia. I was mad because I have thoughts of them keeping me sick for longer by eventually wearing off any type of hope with me being content.

The high doesn't exist anymore at these retarded doses just focus. Then there's nothing.

I think I have enough for one a day until the next refill. They know how bad my ADHD is especially zero focus. Reading half a page, don't know what it says and say screw it. Have doctors ever done that? No...

I'm so isolated and know nothing about what's going on outside this basement. I don't really care about living longer. I won't know what to do. Hopefully not on meth. Ever. I don't want to be a drug addict. I don't want my mom to die feeling she failed as a mother which is what she said when I was a mess before I even took the 90 Klonopins before the hospital.

I hate this feeling. That spark is dead. What ever is thrown my way. **** I was so happy. I hope I can restart. Zero faith because of these fixed delusions.

I'm surprised I'm pretty much not suicidal. I'm making progress.

Where my ego is I don't know. Probably drowning in my crash..