I've been not myself so much recently, because I miss josh, my friend who passed away and how he made me feel. I'm hurting so badly because the feeling of someone wanting me and feeling I deserve best and loving me going out to see me when they weren't having a good day like he did and how we have fun. If I could have that with a girl. I'd be so happy, and it showed up, because it's always when I'm grieving over my grandma, my daughter, and now my best friend.

This is why I don't want to love, because grieving doesn't make it easier or better. It cripples me, not because I let it, because it happens that way to me. My friend died recently that memorial service was hell.