Quote:
Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12
See I relate to you on that first part too in the way of my orientation too. I am bi, but not really into anyone. Like it's hard for me to like anyone I'm so picky and I'm ok with that. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't like at all.
The last part hit me exactly that is exactly me. I can't get married, I can't go out have kids and be tied down to someone I don't want to do that. I don't like it. I simply don't, it's just my preference becomes an objectification when I dated people, they expected me to want to have kids and all this ****. I'm not ready for and I don't care about, I was stupid to just say, "ok." and move on. Like now I'm, "hell naw." nothing convinces from most people to give a reason to like them that way. More the opposite it's not that I'm cynical I love my friends, even when their unpleasant and assholes, but relationships no it's either this way for certain things or no way.
I'm not moving, I can easily give someone up as quickly as they came in. It took me a long time to get the hang of that. I know what I won't be prepared for when everything goes right and my judgment goes blinded or sour and I may be the one who is at fault and I maybe the one who is scrutinized and I maybe the person who couldn't see past that something could go really wrong easily and I'm too oblivious to it, because the person is too awesome.
That is what scares me, especially over being single^^
It feels like I can't even tell anyone how I would feel if I liked them, because I don't like them. I realized my natural response is trained to say no, and so as a guy it looks like I'm shy or introverted, but I just don't like people. I'm going at being extroverted and introverted. I just need as much space as I do want closeness a balance. That's just not possible as of now.
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I see. That sounds complex. Well, I still would not know anything about relationships but expectations can be quite vexing. I think a lot of fears can happen too that can make things even more complicated. I guess it is also hard to get a balance of being extroverted and introverted as you said, especially when you feel you need to shut others out. That is understandable because it is like a protective mechanism and taking caution. I shut out others often because I feel no one can understand a thing...but then again...I do not expect anyone to understand at all. I do not even know why I even post anymore to be honest...it is not like I even like opening up, even if it is just me typing words on a computer screen. I guess I made posts just to rant or for a small bit of hope that I was trained to have in school...but I am not seeing it anymore. I think I will just stop altogether. I just do not feel like it anymore. Who cares what I have to say? Who cares? And I do not even care anymore. I guess I typed this whole time to make up for the lack of emotion I have naturally. Thinking that it would make me feel something. But I do say, I think the words are holding a lot more then what is actually going on inside me. It is just blank...and I guess it always have been. I think finding answers to anything or figuring anything out at this point will definitely not be found by doing this. I just feel like an empty algorithm on a computer program plugging in sequences of letters and code to make sentences...nothing being felt anymore. Maybe I just tried to lie and "feel" to be normal. Well, I will not be doing that anymore. What do I have to even be considered "normal"? Nothing. Well, even if I do recover I do not think forcing myself to comply a certain way will help. Even this is not making any sense but well...this will be the last of my posts most likely.