A bit of background. I'm a nineteen year old woman. I've known I was gay my entire life. I've always had problems communicating with people because I don't want to come across as weak, among other things.
I started falling for one of my best friends a few months ago, despite knowing she's having a tough time getting over someone she had been hooking up with, who she ended up getting feelings for. We've gotten closer once I made her aware of my feelings. We started hanging out more, and she started holding my hand, kissing me, etc. This happens whenever we see each other. However, I have a problem with overthinking. I think about things to the point where I get paranoid and delusional. This will become prevalent later on in this sad little story.
A couple weeks ago, I paddled her boat (ifyouknowwhatimean). That was the first time I had ever done something with a girl (anyone in general, actually). I'm very afraid of intimacy. It's pretty pathetic. When it happened, I was happy about it. But the day after, I noticed I started feeling a lot of guilt. For what, I don't know. I began regretting it. I'm thinking that it might be because she had been hooking up with a lot of people before her and I "messed around." There lies my problem. It wasn't "messing around" for me. It was very real. And now I'm scared that I might have been just another hook-up for her, despite her constantly telling me that she likes me (but doesn't want a relationship).
She's all I can ever think about. I don't feel comfortable even thinking about being with anyone else, but it kills me that I'm falling hard, and that she can just hook-up with other people. I knew what I was getting myself into, and I'm miserable, but I love her too much to want to move on.
It bothers me that I'm feeling guilty sexually. I have an idea of why, but I'd like to get other people's takes on it. Any advice is welcome. I feel so stuck.