My mother passed away in November. She was my soul sister, a soul mate, really... It's really the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. And I had cancer. She was my everything, and everything I ever accomplished, I did for her, and with much support from her.

She took care of me. She provided for me financially, she was my only childcare, she reminded me to brush my teeth and take my meds, she was the one who forced me into the shower, she saved my life more times than I can count, and vice versa, but this time, I failed to save her. She made sure I ate every day, she perked me up when I was depressed, she kept me grounded when I was manic, and managed to Care for me so will that I never experienced hospitalization because she didn't want that for me. It was her idea for me to go on meds (which I really really needed), and go to therapy (which I also needed). She was the closest person I ever had, easily my best friend ever. We did everything together, and texted and called whenever we were apart. She suffered from massive chronic depression, and I was essentially her therapist. I did everything I could to help support her. But this time I couldn't save her.

She was 50, I am now 33. My soul is crushed by this loss... Everything I do feels meaningless without her. I would rather commit suicide than live without her, but my family expects me to take her place. I was co Capitan of our family, but she was #1. I couldn't have been #2 without her support.

I don't know what to do. I have made a sensible life plan somehow, and I have a future ahead of me. But I could take it or leave it without her. Every bit of joy in my life reminds me of how much she would've loved it.

My sister (25) got pregnant shortly before she died. The father is thankfully very involved. But she has no grandma for her baby, no mother to turn to for advice. Our mother was the only person she ever listened to. Her father is a manipulative, emotionally abusive *******, and mine is a heroin addict I haven't seen since I was 18 months old, when we fled at night because he too was abusive. My baby brother, 19, is in the navy. His father died at the age of 50 from a cold, basically. Thus was in 2009. He is an orphan. I can imagine what they're going through and it's horrible. My mother died while my brother was home on leave. He had just graduated from baby school. We were planning on throwing him a surprise party on the day he and I found her. She died in her sleep. No one knows why. The medical examiner (who f'ed everything up the whole way and was terrible to deal with) left it "undetermined".

The sort version is: it's all a terrible mess. I'm a terrible mess. I'm bipolar and now I have to try to fend for myself and not f up every again, but I don't know how to take care of myself. I literally can't remember the last time I took a shower, my dishes are moldy, there are two bags of trash waiting to be taken out sitting in my kitchen... I've managed to keep the living things alive and happy, save for a few plants of hers, but I cannot scrape myself off the couch most days. I am working, so that's positive, but that's all I can manage. My daughter attends online public school due to disability, adhd, and boredom with the slow pace of regular school.

I don't know how to manage myself.

Sorry this got so long...

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