how is it possible to hurt so much?

i overdosed when i was in college...my new T asked me last week if i was glad i didn't die...i said no...i'm not glad i didn't die...i wish i had

here's what's happened since i then i od

good things
(1) graduated college
(2) bought a house (although...i'm in the process of losing my job...so i may be losing my house)

bad things
(1) alone, alone, alone
(2) lost 1 (almost 2) jobs because of depression
(3) was laid off once
(4) was hospitalized on psych ward twice
(5) had to deal w/ family member's alcholism
(6) my self injury behavour continues to worsen
(7) gained about 130 pounds (yes i'm 300+)
(8) claimed bankruptcy

i'm sure i could come up with more...those were just a few highlights...

who in their right mind...or not in their right mind...would be glad they'd lived?!

what kind of stupid question was that!

i'm not saying i'm suicidal...but if i had my choice i would not have survived...damn stomach pumping