First, sorry it's so long. I editted it a bit.
Second, if it's not appropriate - please delete it Mods.
Third, I wrote this on a whim because my mother is easier to write about then what my stepdad has done to me.
Fourth, I wanted to share some of what I feel so people understand me better.
Fifth, I'll probably delete this tomorrow by asking the mods to do it. I just want to get it out right now.
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That in mind ... TRIGGER.

Mom,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I don’t ever listen. I’m so hurt inside and I don’t know why. I hate being a disappointment. It hurts me when you’re upset with me. I’ll keep trying harder but I don’t ever think I’ll be what you want me to be. I’m sorry I’m disabled and I’m sorry I act childish. I know you don’t like me being myself. I’m trying to change Mom, just to make you love me. Just to make you happy. I can’t stand it when you keep telling me that you worry about me and you lose sleep over my mistakes.

I’m not special Mom, am I? I’m not anything you want me to be. Only thing you’ve ever complimented me on is the fact I have better social skills than my two sisters. It is also my downfall because I have the wrong friends and I don’t get straight A’s and I don’t like sports at all. I’m trying so hard to be happy and be a good daughter and do what everyone wants me to do. But that won’t ever be enough will it? You hurt me and say mean things and try to control me and push me out the door at the same time.

I’m sorry I’m so much like my Dad and how everything I do reminds you of him. I’m sorry he made your life so miserable that you had to divorce him, but how is this my fault? Was I the reason that things turned out the way they did? Was I the cause of the divorce? Why do you hate me so much? I know you don’t want me to be anything like my Dad and his family, but why do you have to keep picking on my qualities like that? I’m sorry I’m more like him than you.

I’m sorry I’m not like my sisters. I know I’m a disappointment and a failure. You have no idea how much it has hurt when people you and my sisters know meet me. They don’t have any idea who I was. Am I just not important? I’m sorry I’m an inconvenience and you can’t drag me around to everything you all want to do. I’m sorry about the wheelchair. I’ve tried to make it so you don’t feel guilty and will just leave me at home alone while the entire family leaves and does stuff together. I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me. It did. I cried every single time you all left me because I was afraid you would never come back. I was abandoned. It hurt so much and nobody noticed or cared.

It’s my fault for being emotional right? I’m sorry I don’t do very well bottling. I’m sorry I’m not better at dealing with things. I’m sorry I’m emotionally fragile. I’m sorry I can’t cope with things and I’m sorry I’m so self-centred. I know you don’t like my attitude and you hate the fact that I ‘act’ depressed. I’m sorry, but I do feel depressed. This is not an act.

Remember when I got really depressed in high school? You came into my room finally after it got really bad and told me that you finally realized something was wrong. I can’t remember what you said exactly, but I think it was something like ‘get over it’. I tried Mommy. It didn’t work. I tried to kill myself. The loneliness was overbearing. I was disappointed when I woke up. Then I tried it again that year and once again Mom, I’m still here.

You tell me to lose weight every single time I see you. I've tried. It's strange that you're worried about my weight, when my friends are all telling me that I don't eat regularily enough. Who should I listen to? I ate so little in high school that I got quakes and felt sick. You didn’t notice. I just wanted to not be pressured. I’m sorry I don’t like arguments and I’m sorry I wound up in tears so many times in the bathroom when there was a fight. I’m sorry I’m not stronger.

I’m sorry I don’t listen to my stepdad. I know I should listen more and do exactly what he wants. I did Mommy. He hurt me. He touched me. He fondled me Mommy. He said if I ever wanted it again that I should tell him. That made it my decision. I’m so bad. My body reacted in a bad way. I have bad memories and can’t let anyone touch me there because it reminds me of it again. Maybe I should ask him to do it again. I know I deserve the abuse. I can’t tell you because you won’t believe me or you’ll think I did something to deserve it. I know I deserve it Mommy. I’m a bad daughter and person and I deserve all sorts of bad stuff for not being good and paying attention.

I’m sorry I don’t understand what love you gave me. I don’t even remember what it feels like. Is it so hard to say that you love me? I just want a hug Mommy. I’m sorry you found that annoying. I’m sorry I keep asking for affection and asking for a simple hug or for you to tell me you love me. I don’t even care if it would be a lie; I just want to hear it from someone who I thought was supposed to love me unconditionally. Why do you always nitpick on what I’m doing wrong and never tell me that you’re proud of me and tell me what I’m doing right? Am I really that big of a screw up? I promise I’ll be good Mommy.

I’ll be very good and quiet and not depend on anyone ever again Mommy. I won’t trust anyone because trust is bad. I won’t ask for help because you’ve told me that if I do then people will treat me differently. I won’t ask anyone for help ever, even when I might need it. When people ask me if I need help, I’ll make sure to deny it. When I need help, I’ll remember that there is someone else out there that is worse off and needs help more than me. I don’t deserve help. I won’t ask anyone to give me a hug even though that’s all I really want. I know nobody will ever love or care about me like my family does.

I’ll try to be good and start emotionally bottling again. I should have never trusted my emotions; I should never have been so comfortable that I started expressing myself. Nobody cares about how I feel inside. I don’t deserve any help. I’m not supposed to need it. Self-sufficiency is good right? I won’t trust anyone else. I promise. I’ll be good and not believe people when they lie to me. Lying people tell me that I’m all sorts of good things and that I am special but I’m not really.

Why don’t you like my friends? Why does our family make fun of them and say mean things? Why does our family say bad stuff about everyone who is different from us? I don’t want to do that Mommy. I’m sorry that I don’t participate. I won’t be a bother and I won’t be upset over the family just having ‘fun’. I’m trying to be a good friend and a good daughter. It just comes hard sometimes because I never know what to do. I know I overreact and that I should just laugh things off. I’m sorry I’m trying to treat everyone nicely. Everyone besides my family deserves to be treated badly and be talked about behind their backs.

If I get rid of my friends, will that make you happy? I’m trying to get rid of all of my nice friends Mommy. I try to hurt them because I know I’m not supposed to let anyone get close and try to help me. I’m not loveable. I know I shouldn’t listen when my friends say nice things about me. I’m just supposed to shrug it off and not listen to anyone besides my family. So I’m trying to hurt my friends so that they leave me. That’s good right? Maybe if they leave then it won’t hurt so much. If you tell me one thing and they tell me something else, it hurts Mommy. It really does. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings.

You remember me picking my head in high-school? You asked me why I did it and I said it was because I get itchy. Then my hair started to fall out. I’m sorry I get so stressed out over nothing. I went from picking my head to scratching and then to cutting. I can’t show you though because you won’t understand. It will give you another reason to worry and another reason to hate me and I don’t want to do that. I just want you to love me. I’ll bleed away my pain. Then I can be happy and well adjusted and everyone is happy. Is that okay with you?

I love you. I do love you. You’re not a horrible mother, and I know I’m only picking on your bad qualities. We have fun, we sometimes talk. We laugh. We do some good stuff together, I just wish it was more than the bad stuff. I don’t hate you. There is nobody to hate but myself. If I tell you that I’m sorry for being me, would you forgive me and hug me and tell me you love me? Will I ever be good enough? Am I worthy of love? Can you please hold me and hug me and make me feel better? I don’t feel very good right now Mommy. I’m slipping into a big, black, ugly hole and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared Mommy. I can’t tell you that though because you don’t care. Since I don’t live with you anymore, it doesn’t matter how I feel – you told me that. Would you understand me at all if I said I was depressed?

I love you Mom. I always will, no matter what. Your daughter, Christina