Dear T

It's hard, to look at the positive things and to say ''stop'' everytime I think about something negative or think a ''yes, but...''. It's like I'm drawn to the negative. Like I don't want to look at the positive or like I shouldn't or I'm not allowed to. I kind of want to feel bad. We have talked about why I often long to feel bad when I don't feel bad/feel numb. But maybe there are also other reason why I don't want to look at the postive? I can think of several things, but I'm not sure if it's that. I feel like I shouldn't look at the positive, I shouldn't be positive. But why exactly? I'm just not sure why.
How can I get better or change when I also want or feel the urge to sabotage myself. Looking at the negative things, thinking bad thoughts, reading things that make me feel bad/sad, not taking the right dose of medication (not doing that yet, but it's a thought).
I don't know what to do. I don't get myself. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want.