I've been crying for the majority of the past 24 hours. Got 1 hour sleep. I feel so down I can't describe it. I don't want to have to put up with this all anymore.

I don’t know what to do about all these services that I’m under at the moment. I feel like I’m getting little out of them, other than knowing I can phone a social worker if things get bad during the week and daytime, and he has actually helped me and tried to guide me through the panic. All the other people can do for me is talk to me about how I feel and how I’ve felt. It’s relieving in a way to let it all out, but it’s not actually achieving anything. I know people can’t tell me what to do, because it’s up to me, I’m an adult after all. But where am I supposed to get all this knowledge about how to deal with feelings and how to cope when I’m alone and I feel the world is falling apart around me. Maybe all it’s going to take is time, whether I see professionals or not. Therefore perhaps I should just go it alone, and stop using resources I don’t deserve.

The only thing that really seems to help is having someone with me in times of need, not a friend or member of my family, because it just upsets them as well. Like when I was at a crisis centre, it helped so much for someone to rationalise my fears, and just be with me reminding the world isn’t falling apart and everything is ok. But I can't go back, they only allow one visit. Maybe I just need to learn to do that myself. But again, how? No one is really helping me in this way, the psychiatrist seems to understand, but ends up just gives me more and more pills, the counsellor listens but then makes comments but mostly tells me I need to figure stuff out for myself, and she's only there to listen and support, not advise and the crisis team say there is nothing wrong with me and I need to take more responsibility of my life. It sounds like I’m angry at them. I’m not, just more confused than anything else. It’s like no one really knows how to help me, so they turn it round to me helping myself, but when I’m in my panicky states or very low, I am past being able to do that. But then I feel like I’m in the wrong, for not being able to do what I’m told, and in a way, just ‘get over it’.

I said earlier my social worker is the only one that really helps, and he does, but only in certain aspects. The fact that i'm so depressed I just cry and achieve nothing, eat nothing, barely drink, avoid social situations and barely get out of bed each day seems irrelevant. I'm just so tired of trying to get somewhere that I don't know how to. I just want someone to take it all away.

All of my support professionals wise are on annual leave starting next tuesday. I'm scared, not that I reckon it'd make much difference, but I just feel like i'm being left alone, I feel vunerable.