At 3::42am this morning I awoke . Nothing new in that I awake several times a night. But as soon as I was awake my mind started battling with it''s self. Nothing new, it was about if I was bipolar or not. A full fledged screaming match raged in my mind. I thought I had settled the issue but I guess I had not.

I remembered my pdoc saying that during my in patient I was “not myself”, I remembered reading that on the bipolar spectrum not being yourself was now considered a bipolar marker. I could not recall any mood swings just depression. But in the past my wife had said how much I changed. That she never knew who I would be. What I would say or do.

I remembered that two pdoc's and my own T had said bipolar, now once but often. I recalled how the meds had really had a very noticeable effect, one my wife said was for the better and when I played with the doses she could tell.

On and on my mind raged. For over an hour I fought the battle no one but myself could hear. Call it intrusive, call it racing I don't know but it about drove me even more crazy if that is possible. I finally had to bomb myself with xanex to find any peace, then I slept the sleep of the meds… for a whole hour

Why can I find no peace on this… logically and consciously I have accepted, although not embraced this diagnosis. But it seems my unconscious has not. Could my unconscious be right, in the deep recesses of my mind, does it know this is wrong. Does it know something my logic has failed to grasp.

As you see this is sheer torture for me. I know treat the symptoms and forget the diagnosis. But other than poor broken sleep all my symptoms are quiet now. My meds are working quite well. So well I keep toying with cutting back. But that argument is for another day.

How does one fight against there self. I have peace during the day but now the night has turned against me. I am beginning to wonder if my poor little mind is more damaged than I thought. ….