I wish that I could wave a wand and make all your pain disappear and your life better. But I can only offer you my support. Recovery is a long process. Have patience. It's not like on TV where everyone gets better in a few hours and ten years worth of life is condensed in a three-minute montage of happy highlights.

It is so hard to think practically when you are depressed. I know I find it hard to find my logical brain when I am feeling down. But don't give up.

You are not an evil ax murderer. You are not going around trying to take advantage of and hurt people. Making mistakes does not make you an evil person. You are trying to cope with life.

I didn't have skills to cope with life because no one taught me. I was raised by crazy people and it took me years to find practical ways to cope with the stresses of life and to figure out ways to deal with other people that respected them and myself. But after being brainwashed by 20 years of abuse, it wasn't going to be unprogrammed in a week or even a year or even five years. Depression didn''t help in this learning process so that was another thing to deal with. But it is not insurmountable. Life is a marathon and not a sprint. I am STILL recovering.

Talk to your new T about how you are feeling and see if both of you can come up with a plan together so that you can feel better in the short term and in the long term. Take small practical steps forward and feel good about them. Have people around you that support you and can counter the negative thinkers in your life. I know when you look at the whole of life it may seem insurmountable. You will never get to a better place and if you do, you will slide right back into the hole. But just tackle it one day at a time and then the good days will accumulate.

I know when I have my falls in the depression pit I always think that this is it. I will go back to my life of ten years ago of total misery but I try to remind myself to keep going and to reach out. And that it's temporary. And to do what I can with the time that I have. It's hard in the face of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed to think in this way but hang on to that hope. Slowly you can build it so that it takes up more space in your life and slowly you will trust that it is a strong enough foundation. But that takes time. Don't give up.