Never been so suicidal in quite a while. It was cold and snowing and I was on a boat in the river. My mom doesn't expect me to get anywhere in life it's like she gave up on me. Thinking about how I should have graduated highschool two years ago and my friends in Ireland are already going to university.

Everyone's living life. And I need pills? What's the difference? I still feel like **** and I'm still alone and struggling with motivation and stupid things.

WITH THESE CHANGES OF MOOD GOING BACK AND FORTH, I NEED TO LOSE IT NOW OR ILL LOSE IT LATER. Maybe I should take cogentin idk. They are trying to kill me by leaving me with hundreds and hundreds of Prozac pills. Popping ten oh yay I'm completely numb!!

How about I say **** everyone and drive my car to live with my dad because he lives with his mother too. Oh wait I'm a psychiatric patient and the cops will be called..

I won't let this go.. I want to be educated.

Why the hell do I seriously think that I can make 100 versus in rhyming within a year. Apparently I'm going to write a book. More than one like a couple. It comes and goes and I don't know how to hold down these grandiose thoughts.

I can't give up. I have so much potential. Honestly, the rhyming was doing really well until I messed with my meds. Again. I did it this time again with the Concerta.

Giving me two when I need three Concertas is like saying that I'm good enough. Maybe I'd be good enough if I cut my other meds in half? Because they seem to be working well considering I took three a day anyways.

I want an injection every two weeks because I don't want to feel emotions. Just study because what use is having emotions when there's no stimulation, inhibition by drinking what ever negative symptoms are the problem again.

Schizophrenia... I'll mix coke with it I don't care anymore. Maybe I have to face the fact that I'm not able to be successful because I have no motivation. Successful for what?

What is going on in the world beyond this basement.

If I left to go into my apartment, my mom would lose 2k a month from my dad and I so she says I'm not ready to be on my own. What? Why can't I just move out? Oh ya I have no friends anymore and the apartment is in her name.

Is my future dead? The doctor in the hospital that wanted me to go on disability is because she's seen people with sz that are really successful with that bit of help.

I feel like I lost my life and I'm just useless like my mom said. It's horrible to have people like this. She cries and then messes with me when I'm sick and I can't see past my hatred of everyone. I get what Newtus is saying now being in this position in a simular way.